The nightmares came again, even last night. My sister says they are a product of high blood pressure and stress. I’m not so sure.

I dream every night, and usually during the day, when I’m trying to nap while He is napping. It’s always bad, or nasty dreams. Usually about me being killed. Usually being attacked, stabbed or shot. I actually feel the physical pain in the dreams, and then wake up crying out either consciously, or, more often subconsciously, for help. I can’t sleep after that.

The only time I don’t dream is when I drown in alcohol. Then I just pass out and then, regretfully, wake up. Then I want to drink again. My family knows I have a problem. They look down on me. They don’t do a thing about it. I cry for help, and try to mend myself on my own.

My sister pretends to know what I’m going through. I pretend that I’m OK. She’s 21 and a college student. I’m 26 and well on my way to being a manic-depressive bipolar insomniac college student. There isn’t a day I don’t wake up wondering where my son is because of one stupid mistake, not a day goes by where I don’t wonder why I’m nothing. at my age. yet. I was smart. I was the valedictorian of my high school class, Harrah High School class of 2000, I was a Tulsa Community College Provost, I was something!

I am nothing.

I dream of being stabbed, being shot. I feel the knife pierce my skin, the bullet coming through and seeking my heart. It hurts, it bleeds, there’s nothing I can do about it. I dream of hacking up my insides, blood and guts waiting for someone to take notice and do something, and no one ever does.

I wait. I die.

My husband is going to come back from Iraq an unstable man, I am convinced.

I watched “Stop-Loss” tonight on DVD and it hit home more than I would like to admit.

Whoever invented the “flashback excuse”?

I should have gone over there. Instead, I broke a hip, came home, and had a baby. Beautiful existence, eh?

I am the pointless, powerless, excuse for a life. I am the nothing.

I hate to be me.

I hate to be.

I hate.

*Lisa*

Well I couldn’t get any flyers yet, but here ^ is the bout poster (that’s my teammate Whiskey Wheels in it) and below is my rollergirl picture. We are the Angels of No Mercy. And here is a link to the team’s official Web site. Find me and you’ll find out my skater name.

This past weekend was pretty awesome! A friend from out of town that I haven’t seen in more than 2 years came to visit. But one thing absolutely made my weekend. There was a roller derby bout in OKC, the southwest Missouri team against the Tornado Alley (OKC) rollergirls. The SWMRG were a few short on the roster, so four girls from our team went to play, and another four of us carpooled up there to watch and cheer them on. While I was there, I bought 5 raffle tickets at $1 apiece (they were calling out numbers to give prizes away at halftime – like haircuts, gym memberships, massages, mani/pedis, $200 gift certificates for tattoos, etc.). Then they got to the final, biggest prize, and I won it! It’s a $320 gift certificate for a tattoo from First Amendment Tattoo Company in OKC! So I get to get a $320 tattoo for only $5! I was beyond psyched. I love tattoos (have four so far) and haven’t been able to get one in a few years. I can’t wait!! I just have to figure out what I want and make a weekend trip up to the city.

Next (and final post for Gina’s class) – Feeling Old.

I thought it was pretty funny that we discussed Op-Eds in class today because I actually had an article in the O’Colly today with my thoughts on the Westboro Baptist Church – the group that goes around picketing soldier’s funerals and gay pride events. I love the creative liberty you have with writing opinion articles. I think that’s why I like writing features and entertainment pieces better than writing hard news – more creative liberty. I have a hard time with the stringent rules of hard news.

Also, a while back, I wrote an opinion article for the O’Colly on how Stillwater needs a new movie theater. Then, a few days after it was published, the city council voted to approve a new movie theater to be built on one of the plots of land west of town. A little, self-important part of me wants to believe I had *something* to do with it, even though deep down I know it was probably just coincidence.

NEXT POST: Either “Feeling Old” or a link to my roller derby team’s Web site (with my new team pic and name…)

Today was a sad day. I strapped Will in his carseat and headed out to the Stillwater airport a few minutes before 10 a.m. to see Army Maj. Scott Hagerty’s body return home. There were between 200 and 300 people there, the support was great…but as soon as I saw the charter jet holding his coffin braking to a stop on the runway, I couldn’t help the silent tears from running down my face…I think I may have said before that Scott’s 20-month-old son and my two-year old are playmates in the nursery at church, and his wife, Daphne, goes to my mom’s church as well (which I attend two or three Sundays a month). Having loved ones in Iraq, I can’t imagine the pain she is going through. Samuel (the 20-month-old) is too young to lose a daddy to such a senseless cause! I can’t imagine telling Will his daddy was killed by a bomb before he even has a memory of that happening. I guess she can have the small salvatory pride of telling him his daddy died bravely serving his country. But she kept herself composed, save for a few tears, throughout the delivery of the coffin and the car procession to Strode funeral home (which was probably half a mile-long in cars alone and led by two dozen “freedom riders” bikers bearing flags). At the funeral home, she hugged me and told me she was OK; however, I am now convinced that the eyes really ARE windows to the soul. I could see the pain and hurt behind hers.

At any rate, the funeral is Friday. Here is a link to the Newspress article giving all the details. for those who support the military (if not necessarily the war in the Middle East – I’m of the same opinion) please come out if you have time and join in the funeral procession and/or attend the funeral. Even if you didn’t know Scott, come show your military support by standing along the procession route (listed in the article) and holding an American flag or a hand over your heart. To have someone in our community lost is a pretty big deal. This happening puts everything in perspective for me. Suddenly, not a whole lot matters like it used to – not textbook prices, not gas prices, not roller derby – when I think about Daphne losing her hubby to such a senseless conflict.

Pertaining to much lighter matters, I absolutely braved the line at Chipotle twice today, as I saw Alex doing . The first time (where I ran into Max and Aubrey as well as Alex) was right after class and right before I picked Will up from the babysitter, and the line was about half as long as it was at about 5:45 p.m. (which was a tad more difficult to be patient for, juggling a squirmy two-year old – Think a 15-minute wait compared to a 30-minute wait. It was obvious the workers were wearing down – and with good reason, I’m sure.) I may be older compared to…well, probably about 95 percent of my classmates in any given class, but hey, I’m a starving college student too.

Gina talking about her knee surgery today brought to mind something in my past, but I guess I will share that tomorrow, since this is already excessively long and nobody’s probably reading anymore.

Lisa

Well, I said yesterday that I would post a link to pictures of my little guy, so here it is.

Derby practice tonight. Gonna be sore tomorrow.

Lisa

I don’t know how many of you know about Major Scott Hagerty, the Stillwater soldier who was killed in Afghanistan this past week. (Here’s a link to the Stillwater Newspress story.) His death hit a little too close to home for me. His wife, Daphne, and smaller son, Samuel, are sort of family friends. They go to my, my mom’s, and William’s church (yes, I go to church sometimes). Having loved ones over in Iraq, it makes one worry a hundred times more when somebody from your own town gets killed. His funeral arrangements are still pending, but they can’t have it at the Nazarene church, they are expecting about 1,000 with friends, family members and fellow soldierss, so it’s tentatively set for Friday at the Methodist Church. His body was supposed to come home today. It would kill me inside to have to see a family member’s body after being ravaged by a roadside bomb. His smaller boy isn’t even two yet! Just another justification for my anti-war opinion O’Colly article.

In other, not-quite-so-depressing news, I don’t know how many of you read the Tulsa World, but Emily Holman (she has worked as a writer for the O’Colly for a few semesters and is doing a summer internship at the World) was in the picture on the Sunday front page. It was a picture of the BOK center construction, I guess the photographer wanted to add a human element. Was awesome to see a picture of an OSU JB student on the front page, though!

Next blog I’ll probably post pictures of my little boy, for those of you who are curious to see him.

I love being in Stillwater during the summer, when most of the students are gone. I’m getting too old and bitter to deal with all the dumb drivers and crowdedness of this town during the semester.

Like Matt, I am engaging in a sport this summer with a Stillwater team – but it’s one a lot of residents here don’t know exists (he didn’t; I was talking to him about it the other day). I’m a member of the Stillwater roller derby team, the Angels of No Mercy. Roller derby is a very physical sport but it’s a lot of fun. It’s a little like hockey, except on roller skates, there are no sticks or puck, and skaters skate in a counterclockwise circle. I just joined about a month ago, and still need a skater name, but most of the ones I was considering are already registered on the roller derby master roster (Misty Meaner, Dyna Might, etc.). So, I’m down to Jade Angel, Elle MacFearson, Anya Tail and Audi Theway. I think I’m leaning toward the first one, though.

Our next bout is Saturday, June 28 at the Payne County Expo Center. If anyone is interested in going, I can hook you up with a flyer or discounted tickets. It’s a lot of fun to watch. Our latest bout at the expo center was this past weekend, and there were lots of wipeouts, a girl crashing into the bleachers after being pushed out, and a fight.

Lisa